Friday, January 20, 2012

Dana Butler Breaks Through The Fourth Wall

Late at night; a woman finds herself in a large house, having no idea how she got here or quite where she is. This is Dana Butler, magazine editor, outrageous flirt, and occasional target of teasing by Mother Nature. She looks around, confused, and hears moans somewhere nearby. It sounds like the good sort of moans. She follows the sounds, hearing voices, and opens a door. There, in the bedroom before her, a woman is naked, straddling a naked man on a bed, both of them grinding against each other, gasping and groaning as they take each other closer and closer to the edge. It's James and Scarlett, and they're busily in the midst of mating....

James: Oh, goddess!


Dana: WTF!

The two stop what they're doing and look toward the door.

Scarlett: Darling, it looks like we have company.

James: And just when we hadn't quite finished yet. You look familiar, Miss. Were you there when Scarlett and I had sex in the middle of the crowd at the Governor's Ball last year, or... oh, wait... darling, I think one of our characters broke through the Fourth Wall.

Scarlett sits up on the bed, still naked, in the lotus position. 

Scarlett: How is that possible?

Dana: Could you two please put some clothes on? Or at least you. Him I can look at and enjoy the view.

Scarlett: I beg your pardon--are you saying I'm visually unappealing?

Dana: Yes--no--you're just not my type, okay?

James: A great shame. My Scarlett is a goddess, after all. Radiant, lovely, and divine. I do so enjoy worshipping her. As it stands, we don't like having to put clothes back on. Unless it's just in anticipation of taking them off again later on. So no, we're not getting dressed, Miss Butler, or should we call you Dana?
Dana: Wait a minute... what did you mean, our characters? How'd you know my name?

James: We created you. You're a character in our book.

Dana: You're shitting me!

Scarlett: I assure you, we don't "shit" anybody. You're a secondary character in Same Time Tomorrow

Dana: Secondary? That's insulting!

Scarlett: Patience, Dana. You're shaping up to be quite a character. At the rate you're going, you'll have your own book soon.

Dana is excited by the prospect. 

Dana: My own book? Will I finally get a man?

Scarlett: You're making it sound as if you're going to the meat market!

James: At the moment, we're amusing ourselves by having you be the comic relief. Hence the numerous mishaps with animals.

Dana: Wait a minute... the owl? The coyote? All the jokes from everyone else? You mean you're saying you're writing this? You do realize it's making fun of me?

James: Dana, you come across so well like a larger then life character. Making you the comic relief really works. And come on.... you're the one who has a cat named Pussy. Who judges you when you're having sex, so of course you're going to be comic relief. But yes, down the line, we'll write you a book. With a guy who's more then a one night stand or passing fling. If you behave yourself.

Dana: I hate behaving myself.

James: We know. Oh, look behind you.

Dana looks, and gasps. Two coyotes trot into the room, and a screech owl flies in.

Dana: Oh, not these damned animals again!

Owl: If you're going to insult us, make sure we don't speak English.

Male Coyote: You weren't so bold that night in the orchard.

He howls, and the animals all share a laugh.

Dana: You think you're funny, don't you?

Female Coyote: Of course we do.

A bear enters the room.

Bear: Am I late?

Dana: For what? Dinner?

Bear: Now that you mention it, I am hungry.

Dana: Look, this isn't possible. I'm not a character in a book, and wild animals do not speak English.

Female Coyote: And yet we're speaking it so very well.

Male Coyote: Though with a Welsh accent.

Female Coyote: I've always found that curious. We were born on this side of the ocean.

Owl: Simply put, Miss Butler, did it occur to you that you might be dreaming?

Bear: Or that they might be dreaming?

Female Coyote: No, they appear to be mating.

Dana looks back at Scarlett and James, who are all over each other again, groping and moaning on the bed.

Abruptly, she wakes...and finds herself alone in bed. She sits up in the darkness and looks around, making sure there are no animals in the room. Pussy jumps up on the bed and crawls into her arms, purring contentedly. 

Dana: Pussy, remind me never to eat pizza with the works at bedtime ever again.

Pussy: Such a foolish slave you are!


  1. OMG! This was so funny. I enjoyed reading this piece. :) I imagine writing the character, Dana, was fun. Too cool, you two.

  2. Pizza with the works! LOL That'll do it!

  3. When we do the follow up, Dana's cat will be a character in and of herself!

  4. Oh, I finally got in...Blogger wouldn't let me last night...quite disappointed I was...

    Ok, yes...Dana would make an excellent character...I CAN'T WAIT TO READ ANY OF THE BOOKS!!! Get them done, please...

    Your very excited friend,

    P.S. Did I mention that I CAN'T WAIT TO READ SST??? Please, when can I read it...????

  5. We're working on it!

    We happen to be in the middle of a certain formal ceremony at the moment, so to speak!

  6. Dana makes it so easy for us to make fun of her too....