Sunday, July 15, 2012

The International Intruder Sits Down With A Rat Bastard

Today, we're going to turn the tables on one of the sleaziest paparazzi to ever stalk a celebrity. Jeremy  Hayward has been in the business of stalking, harassing and embarrassing celebrities for the past ten years.

You make that sound like a bad thing.

Thank you for agreeing to talk with us today, Jeremy. You've become something of a legend in your, uh, profession. How did you get started? What made you decide to become a sleaze--I mean celebrity photographer?

Oh, the pay. I'd like to say I was in it for the responsibility, but come on... there is no responsibility in this line of work.

You realize you can make a whole lot of money getting pics of a star in a compromising position? You can blackmail them if it's really embarassing... or you can sell it to the Enquirer, the Star, or even to that rag you work for. Whoever's paying the most.

 I heard you were unable to make it as a serious photographer....

Define serious.

Look, every once in awhile I've tried the so called respectable route, but let's face it, that's just full of self righteous idiots and jerks who look down their self righteous noses at real talent like me. Who wants that sort of thing?

Is it true you once photographed Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn having sex?

You've heard about that, have you? My reputation preceeds me!

How did you do it?

Well, that was kind of hard to get done. See, the thing is I had to climb up in one of those sequoia trees near the place where they were staying. During a rainstorm, with a telephoto lens. I got into a squabble with one of those environmental activists who thought I was working for the lumber industry when she saw me start climbing.

Long story short, I got up high enough to see their chalet, and that beautiful telephoto lens worked its magic. It's as if I was right outside the window. And I caught everything.  I mean everything. She was on top of him on the bar counter, riding away, throwing her head back when she had her happy moment. By the way, she's got a strange birthmark on her butt, and Vaughn has a really bizarre tattoo on his...

That we don't want to know.

His foot! What did you think I was about to say?

I managed to negotiate a whole lot of money out of those two not to publish the pics.

I've heard you also got nude photos of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Is that true?

Yeah, but let's face it, every paparazzi worth their salt has managed to photograph those two naked. There's a glut of naked Paris and naked Kardashian pics out there on the market. Well, not the two of them naked at the same time, and engaged in certain activities that might score me a big payday from the adult entertainment industry.

Do you ever get so turned on in such situations that you lose focus? Pun intended....

Well, during that whole photo shoot with Jen and Vince, up in that tree, I nearly slipped at one point while they were going at it a second time. Like I said, it was raining, the tree branches were wet... just caught myself in time... or I wouldn't be here today.

Fortunately there are plenty of pretty young interns at gossip rags who are always eager to help me... work off getting worked up, so to speak. Know what I mean?

Did you really hide in Kristen Stewart's trailer on the Twilight set to get the first photos of her with Robert Pattinson as a real-life couple?

I'd like to take credit for that one, really I would, but I can't. A guy I know was responsible for that fiasco of broken condoms and sparkles all over the trailer. 

I was busy that night trailing Miley Cyrus. She was on a pub crawl. Her boyfriend kept rolling his eyes and trying to convince her to go home. I'm amazed he's still with her, by the way. You'd think her giving him a penis cake on his birthday would have been the last straw. Anyway, long story short, I caught the picture of Miley throwing up on Mickey Rooney.

Is it true that Justin Bieber beat you up?

All he did was shove me. And busted my camera. He hits like a girl, to be honest. I'd have hit him back, but I'd rather sue the little cretin for everything I can get for assault and emotional distress, whatever I can con a judge into buying. All I have to do is find a judge with a teenage daughter. Then I'm home free. Any judge like that would automatically have an inbuilt loathing of Bieber. I'd better do it fast, because word on the street has it that his manager is stealing every cent out of his accounts. Don't tell anyone I said that.

How many times have you been assaulted by your targets?

Let's see, I've had wine thrown in my face, gotten slapped one or two or three hundred times, depending on how you define slap. I've had pictures and dishes thrown at me... incidentally, that's how I got this old scar on my chin. Let's just say that Britney Spears has a mean throwing arm when she's tossing a plate. I've been run down by Mel Gibson once, went flying over his car hood, but that guy's got a temper problem. I've been beaten up by Tom Cruise's hired muscle. Someone that short has to have someone else do that sort of thing.

I once went a bit too far photographing the daughter of this drug kingpin. Next thing I knew I was tied up in this warehouse, they were beating the crap out of me, and they were threatening to cut off the most valuable part of my anatomy. I'll tell you, if it wasn't for the DEA and the Columbian army turning up at the last possible minute, I wouldn't be here today. Certainly not in one piece.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned that one.

Of all possible targets, who among those you haven't yet photographed would you like to catch off guard?

Good question. I've got several on my to-do list.

I'd like to set that Tebow guy up. Make him look less like the sanctimonious momma's boy he passes himself off as. Maybe arrange a Tebow and Kardashian encounter. That'll wipe the self righteousness off his face, wouldn't it?

I'd like to catch Lady Gaga without the makeup and the whole crazy getup thing she does. Even if it's not a Lady Gaga naked shot.

And of course the holy grail of tabloid shots. Hillary walking in on Bill Clinton having sex with Ann Coulter. On top of the original Star Spangled Banner.

One last question: how did you get the nickname Rat Bastard?  

Clearly my reputation, once again, preceeds me.

Let's just say that one of my more... respectable exes coined that term, and had enough contacts in the industry to make it stick. She just couldn't keep up with someone as fast paced as me. Her loss.

Oh well. It's not the worst thing I've had said about me. That Columbian guy, right before the DEA put two rounds in his head, said I'd be maggot food. Now really, what kind of manners is that? Telling that to the guy you've had beaten up and threatened to cut off... the boys, so to speak?

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Thanks for sitting down with us today. It's been.... enlightening.

You're welcome. You want to go out to dinner? I'll tell you more tales from the front lines.

I wouldn't go to dinner with you if you were the last person on Earth.

Was it something I said?


  1. We're going to get murdered for this one....

  2. Paparazzi are the worse. The Fiona stalkers are killing me! Cute post.

  3. Very cute.

    Of course, you did have to get a dig on RPatz and KStew didn't you...? Um, I'd do anything to get to wake up beside him...LOL

    I can't wait until I can read this book!

  4. Jeremy is, of course, a real charmer...

    No, wait, we can't get away with trying to pass him off like that.

    We'll have to get back to you.

  5. Beth--you have the book, you dodo!

  6. This was funny. Love the photo of the cat being surrounded.

  7. Oh, paparazzi... the lowest of low, really.

  8. They really are such annoying lower life forms, those so called humans clicking away with their cameras at whatever bright object catches their fancy....