Bring In The Designated Dick

Today Scarlett and I are commenting on a bit of an odd story that's come up, namely a fellow who's divorcing his wife, for the simple reason that she's expecting too much sex from him. Seems the lady is a nymphomaniac, and he's exhausted. The original article is from myfox New York, and we're copying the link and the text here, just so you don't think we're making this up

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpps/news/offbeat/man-seeks-police-protection-from-sex-crazed-wife-dpgonc-20110126-gc_11594496#


WAIBLINGEN, Germany -- A Turkish man living in Germany with his wife of 18 years went to police for protection from her insatiable appetite for sex, Bild newspaper reported Wednesday.
The man went to police in the southwestern German city of Waiblingen on Tuesday.
He told police he slept on a sofa for the past four years in a futile attempt to escape the voracious embraces of his wife.
German police said the exhausted man -- who fathered two children with his wife -- decided to get a divorce and move out of the home.
"He has decided to get a divorce and to move out ... in the hope of finally getting some rest, particularly as he is anxious to arrive at work well rested," police said.
"At the moment this is impossible because he says his wife keeps coming into the living room demanding that he perform his marital duties. He asked for police help in getting some sleep at night," police added.

On behalf of all guys, I ask this man one question.... dude, why are you complaining???

He should consider himself extremely fortunate. I never hear any complaints from you when I demand frequent sex.

Frequent sex is fun, darling. Speaking of which, that thing you did with your tongue last night...


You liked that, did you?


Very much, yes, and it made me think of... oh, we're supposed to be talking about this fellow who's complaining about having too much sex for some inexplicable reason. Look, sir, if you're having a problem keeping up with her... maybe you need some Viagra.

Well, I suppose if she's too much woman for him, he could allow her a few extra men on the side. Just for sex, mind you.

Exactly! A designated dick. Think about it, man. You've been married for eighteen years, had kids with her... you wouldn't have invested all that time if you didn't feel something for her. So, to save your marriage, you should let her get some action on the side. And if you're comfortable watching, by all means.

Now there's a thought. Sort of like a pinch hitter? Is that what they call it in baseball?

They do! And speaking of pinching....

And sir, invest in a really good videorecorder! You'll want to watch those videos again and again....

You will! Okay, okay, maybe you're a bit uptight. Maybe the idea of another guy or three or four satisfying your wife while you're taking a breather might annoy you. Maybe you can't face the idea of joining a swinger's club and sitting at the bar drinking a vodka on the rocks while your wife gets her world rocking.

Three words for you to consider as alternatives for her: Vibrator. Dildo. Cucumber.

Cucumber. She can eat it afterward. Oh, wait a minute.  Speaking of eating....

Darling goddess, we're still in the midst of blogging!

I can multitask...though I don't really consider this a task....

Oh, yes, right there, oh, that feels soooooo goooooood... oh, we're being watched.

Look, sir, one last piece of advice. If you can't face the idea of letting other guys pleasure your wife, and the idea of going into a sex shop to buy vibrators or dildos leaves you mortified, well, there's one more alternative.

Have an anatomically correct robot built. 

That would be expensive, darling. I can't speak for the woman in question, but I'm not sure I'd want to be humped by a robot!

It might be this poor chap's only chance to save his marriage. When in doubt, build a robot. I'm sure I heard that somewhere.

Would you hump a robot?

Oh, I wouldn't. I've seen too many science fiction movies, so I'd be expecting the thing to turn all evil on me. Fortunately that's not a consideration considering you and I share a bed. Speaking of which, why don't we go back to fondling and groping...?

Mmmmmm...I thought you'd never ask....

Character Blog: Terry McKay

And another supporting character blog, this time from the point of view of one of Gabriel's friends....

***


I'm a lucky man.

I've got a terrific wife, Helen, the love of my life. We've been blessed with three wonderful children who've grown up and are making their way in the world... and at some point are going to make me a gra...  a gra... oh, you know what I mean. Saying that word is a wee bit difficult.

I get to work in a field I love. I'm an historian, but not an academic. I never thought I'd have the qualities to teach. Helen has that talent; she teaches law to undergrads at the University of Edinburgh. Instead I go out into the field, and I write. Some of it means freelance assignments, and some is directed for books I'm working on. I'm writing what I hope will be the authoritative history of my home town.

Now I'm down in the Lake District for a few weeks. I'm on assignment for National Geographic. They want an article on the area, its history and people. You know the sort of thing. How tourism is a boost for the area, the culture, the land. I'm writing, of course, interviewing people, visiting archives, gathering information. I'm working with a photographer I'm friends with. Gabriel Miller's an Irish-American, does the whole travelling gypsy thing as well as I do. He's twenty or so years younger then I am, but a pro, and damned good with a camera. And he's like the little brother I never had, so of course we tease each other relentlessly.

He's finally found someone. He's talked about her, a woman named Chloe. She seems to suit him. He misses being with her. He's worried about her, I can see it. And with good reason. Her mother is dying, and he wishes he could be back home with her to see her through it.

Now we're stuck indoors. The biggest storm in decades has settled in over the British Isles. The lightning and the thunder are flashing and rolling, the wind is howling. It's raining cats and dogs out there, and we really can't get out and do anything. Not unless we want to catch our deaths with a cold.

The phone lines are down, and the same's the case with cell phones. Hell, for that matter, we can't get wireless coverage for our computers. He keeps staring out the window, wishing he could talk to her. I know the feeling. I miss hearing Helen's voice, but she knows what the weather's like right now. Edinburgh's getting this downpour too, after all.

From what he's said, Chloe's had it rough in life. She finds it hard to trust men. And he's wanting nothing more then to reassure her he's fine, to hear her talking back. He'd rest easier if he knew she knew how bad the weather is out here. It's not that likely. From what he says, American media only pays attention to storms overseas if the death toll goes into the triple figures or if there's an American involved.

For now, we're stuck. Reading books at this nice bed and breakfast, playing chess (which I know Gabriel would never do unless he was bored already), and wondering when the weather will clear. Here we are in one of the best hiking areas in the world... and we're indoors.

Okay, Mother Nature. I know England's got a reputation for foul weather at the best of times, but enough already!

We can see either Tom Wilkinson or Robbie Coltrane in this character...

Character Blog: Cass Morrison

Another one of our character blogs, this from the point of view of one of our supporting characters....

***

I've known Chloe Masters all her life. I've known her mother even longer. We went to high school together. That's how long Linda and me have been friends.

Where we come from, people don't usually leave. They grow up here, get married here, raise their own kids here. And they're buried here. In fact, when you meet us, the first question we'll likely ask is: "Where did you go to high school?" Linda, Jay, George and me all went to Fox High. Jay played on the Warriors football team. Linda wore his letter jacket more than he did. They were always together. They were Homecoming king and queen. Everybody knew they'd get married after graduation.

It didn't happen quite as soon after as we expected, though. Jay got restless, enlisted in the Navy. He told Linda figured it was a good way to pay for his college education. George would have gone, too, but he flunked the physical. Too fat to fight, they told him. He used to tell boys who wanted to avoid the draft to either head for Canada or pack on at least fifty pounds.

George and me have always been happy on the farm, never wanted more. Linda, too. Like I said, Jay was the only one who was restless, suffered from wanderlust. Linda was sure when he came back after his stint in the Navy, he'd want to get married and then move them away. She dreaded having to deal with that. She'd inherited her parents' farm and she wanted to stay.

Jay surprised her. When he came home, they got married right off. And Linda got pregnant right off. They stayed on the farm. Chloe was premature, born eight months after the wedding. She was such a beautiful baby...she had her daddy wrapped around her little finger. She changed Jay. He settled down. He was a doting father...right up to the day he drove off and never came back.

Linda knows why he left. So do I. But she's determined to make sure Chloe never finds out....

We could see the actress Cherry Jones playing this role....

Stormy Weather

Scarlett and I are about to embark on a section of the book that's been in the planning stages for awhile now. Gabriel and Chloe are seperated by an ocean. She's home in New York, worried about her mother's health, and becoming increasingly miserable in a job she dislikes. He's in the Lake District of England, on a photo shoot. They're spending their weeks apart, still in touch each night, taking advantage of phones and computers to keep the home fires burning, so to speak. Naked bodies feature prominently, of course.

We're due to incorporate Mother Nature into the book shortly. A serious thunderstorm is due to hit the British Isles, knocking down telephone and internet capabilities for a few days. It'll play into Chloe's anxieties about her future with Gabriel, when all of a sudden, he's not there at night speaking to her. It'll drive Gabriel to distraction, knowing he can't get in touch with Chloe, to hear her voice. I'm already thinking of ways to write Gabriel as bored out of his mind waiting for the phone lines to come back up (chess will figure prominently). And Scarlett's got a challenge ahead of her in writing Chloe during this uncertain time.

How long will it be? Time will tell. That, and we might tell, but we'll expect a thick envelope filled with cash delivered to us. Just be patient when you ring the bell. We might need to get dressed to answer the door. We can't have you seeing the Full James or the Full Scarlett, can we? No, that's just for us.

And for whichever onlookers happen to be watching when we get in an exhibitionist mood....

How To Get Distracted During An Author Reading

Hello, I'm James, and this darling goddess is Scarlett.

We've never read any of our prose before a live audience before, but how difficult can it be? We've done much more intimate things....

Such as that session of mutual oral pleasures on stage at the Paris Opera House last month. They gave us a standing ovation.

Ah, yes. We received thunderous applause...or was that your orgasm, darling?

Yours too, sweetness. We're here tonight to read some passages from our book, Same Time Tomorrow. A word of caution before we begin. If you're prudish or have a heart condition, you might want to leave the room.

Oh, yes...it does get a bit racy, doesn't it? But it's all right, because our Gabriel and Chloe love each other.

 They certainly do. So, with that said, mistress, shall we begin? I was thinking of starting in chapter fourteen.

By all means!

Let's see, ah, here we are. 

She was onscreen on his phone, in an upscale dressing room, the silk peach teddy clinging to her body, small straps on her shoulders, holding it up.

Hmmm, that reminds me of that silk teddy you wore last night.

It worked for Chloe, so I decided to buy one for myself. 

(Scarlett runs her hand up James' thigh.)

You really liked that, didn't you?

It's that obvious, is it? Hmmm, where were we? 

He imagined being there in the room with her, behind her, his hands stroking the fabric, reaching up, letting the straps fall away, cupping her breasts, hearing her sigh.

I do so love hearing you sigh, Mistress....

I'm having trouble concentrating here, lover. When I listen to you reading those hot passages, it drives me wild. 

Maybe we should just show them how we do research....

 (James enfolds Scarlett in his arms from behind and lets his hands wander. In the audience, there are audible gasps.)

Hmmm, how many of them are voyeurs, do you think? Let's do this, you and I... you try to keep concentrating and reading... and I'll let my hands wander all over you. How about that?

Oh, I do like that idea!

As if she could read his mind, she moved her hands to her stomach, as if mimicking his hands. She looked directly at the phone, winked, and moved her hands up, squeezing her breasts. Oh my…. “Again… wow.”

She smiled in delight. “I’m definitely buying it.”

“I wish I was right there with you,” he told her.

“Me too,” she agreed, looking into the phone.

“That’s one way to get banned from the store.”

She laughed again. “True.” She paused. “Gabriel?”

“Yes?” He waited, watched her, mesmerized by her.

“Give me an hour. Then call me at home.”

(James lets one hand settle over Scarlett's breasts, and she groans and sighs at the podium. Members of the audience look uncomfortable. Others look turned on. His other hand slides downward over her stomach, ever closer....)

Remember when we were mapping out that scene at home?


(Scarlett turns in his arms, fiercely kissing him.)

As if I could ever forget!

(James and Scarlett fall back onto the stage, her on top of him, their hands wandering all over each other. A moderator takes to the stage as the pair throw themselves at each other in a fit of passion.)

Um, yes, that's all very nice and all, but... well, we appear to have lost control of our authors. If you'll come back next week, we've got a children's literature author scheduled, so...


Or you all can just stay around and watch Scarlett and I as we get out of all these pesky clothes and have our way with each other.

We do so enjoy an audience....

(Scarlett starts moaning with pleasure....)

And the more the merrier. It might even inspire... oh, baby, I love having you put your hand there!


(James gets on his back, and Scarlett straddles him.)


I do so love getting lucky in front of an audience, you know...

I do know, darling....

Armed...and Seductive!

James and I have discussed the idea of a fencing scene--a sexy, spirited duel between Gabriel and Chloe. For those who are unaware, fencing is a very sexy sport. At least I think so.
All that parrying and thrusting always puts me in the mood, as James can tell you. 

Fencing suits Chloe. It suits her bold, aggressive side. It's a way for her to deal with her pent-up anger and frustration--most of which has been connected to the father who abandoned her when she was seven. Up until now. Since Gabriel came into her life, jealousy has also been an occasional visitor. Still unsure of his love for her, she tends to react--make that overreact--when other women are around.


As you'll see, that can prove dangerous.

It also enables Chloe to deal with Manhattan's criminal element. In one scene, when her purse is snatched, she effectively uses her umbrella as she would a fencing foil to disable her adversaries and reclaim her property.

Now, if I can convince James to join me in a nude duel...