Saturday, January 29, 2011

Bring In The Designated Dick

Today Scarlett and I are commenting on a bit of an odd story that's come up, namely a fellow who's divorcing his wife, for the simple reason that she's expecting too much sex from him. Seems the lady is a nymphomaniac, and he's exhausted. The original article is from myfox New York, and we're copying the link and the text here, just so you don't think we're making this up

WAIBLINGEN, Germany -- A Turkish man living in Germany with his wife of 18 years went to police for protection from her insatiable appetite for sex, Bild newspaper reported Wednesday.
The man went to police in the southwestern German city of Waiblingen on Tuesday.
He told police he slept on a sofa for the past four years in a futile attempt to escape the voracious embraces of his wife.
German police said the exhausted man -- who fathered two children with his wife -- decided to get a divorce and move out of the home.
"He has decided to get a divorce and to move out ... in the hope of finally getting some rest, particularly as he is anxious to arrive at work well rested," police said.
"At the moment this is impossible because he says his wife keeps coming into the living room demanding that he perform his marital duties. He asked for police help in getting some sleep at night," police added.

On behalf of all guys, I ask this man one question.... dude, why are you complaining???

He should consider himself extremely fortunate. I never hear any complaints from you when I demand frequent sex.

Frequent sex is fun, darling. Speaking of which, that thing you did with your tongue last night...

You liked that, did you?

Very much, yes, and it made me think of... oh, we're supposed to be talking about this fellow who's complaining about having too much sex for some inexplicable reason. Look, sir, if you're having a problem keeping up with her... maybe you need some Viagra.

Well, I suppose if she's too much woman for him, he could allow her a few extra men on the side. Just for sex, mind you.

Exactly! A designated dick. Think about it, man. You've been married for eighteen years, had kids with her... you wouldn't have invested all that time if you didn't feel something for her. So, to save your marriage, you should let her get some action on the side. And if you're comfortable watching, by all means.

Now there's a thought. Sort of like a pinch hitter? Is that what they call it in baseball?

They do! And speaking of pinching....

And sir, invest in a really good videorecorder! You'll want to watch those videos again and again....

You will! Okay, okay, maybe you're a bit uptight. Maybe the idea of another guy or three or four satisfying your wife while you're taking a breather might annoy you. Maybe you can't face the idea of joining a swinger's club and sitting at the bar drinking a vodka on the rocks while your wife gets her world rocking.
Three words for you to consider as alternatives for her: Vibrator. Dildo. Cucumber.

Cucumber. She can eat it afterward. Oh, wait a minute.  Speaking of eating....

Darling goddess, we're still in the midst of blogging!

I can multitask...though I don't really consider this a task....

Oh, yes, right there, oh, that feels soooooo goooooood... oh, we're being watched.

Look, sir, one last piece of advice. If you can't face the idea of letting other guys pleasure your wife, and the idea of going into a sex shop to buy vibrators or dildos leaves you mortified, well, there's one more alternative.

Have an anatomically correct robot built. 

That would be expensive, darling. I can't speak for the woman in question, but I'm not sure I'd want to be humped by a robot!

It might be this poor chap's only chance to save his marriage. When in doubt, build a robot. I'm sure I heard that somewhere.

Would you hump a robot?

Oh, I wouldn't. I've seen too many science fiction movies, so I'd be expecting the thing to turn all evil on me. Fortunately that's not a consideration considering you and I share a bed. Speaking of which, why don't we go back to fondling and groping...?

Mmmmmm...I thought you'd never ask....


  1. I could picture this with Data from Star Trek, but when I think of C3P0 from Star Wars....

  2. Threepio's too repressed and anal to even think that way.

  3. I know a girl from work, and her and her boyfriend hadn't had sex in a year and a half...when I asked her about it, she said her boyfriend didn't like sex.

    Ok, that just says one thing...GAY!

    BTW, I agree with William, C3P0 is way too anal...and anal is gross...

  4. C3PO isn't even anatomically correct. R2D2 has that little thing that sticks... Never mind.

  5. I have a friend who used to date a nympho. He broke up with her because his back and package were in constant pain. She wanted it over and over day in and day out. He told me it isn't as great as it sounds.

  6. The robot thing sounds kind of cold.