Friday, December 23, 2011

Coitus Cybernetus Interruptus And Christmas Wrapping

It's a wonder of technology, isn't it? Where decades ago, if you were away on business and wanted some personal time with your significant other, you'd have to rely on phone sex, and hope the operator wasn't listening in. These days, we have the computer, and web cams, that can help us bridge the miles. Unless the computer crashes.

This happened on an episode of The Big Bang Theory. Leonard's girlfriend was in India, and they decided to engage in cybersex. He got his clothes off, but just as she was removing hers, the monitor froze--he could hear her talking about what she was doing and wanted to do, but all he could see was her about to remove her nightgown--and his roomie, Sheldon, was on the other side of the wall, hearing the whole thing!

Damned computers! Not letting you get to the proverbial money shot. It leaves things... halfway done, so to speak. And that's never a good thing. Of course, there are other things that computers can do that interrupt cyber-sex at the worst possible time. Imagine, for instance, you're stripping for me onscreen, and a pop up window blocks out the screen advertizing, oh, a time share in Aspen.

Remind me never to invest in THAT timeshare!

At least the computers behave themselves for us. They know we would never tolerate crashes or pop-up windows while we're having our fun. You know... pop-up is something of a double entendre...

I wonder if we've ever been hacked the act?

If we have, it hasn't turned up online anywhere. As of yet. We've merely made the news for having our way with each other in public places.

Is it possible then, that no one will hack us because everyone has already seen the live show?

We do have that habit of being exhibitionists, even at this time of year. Where everyone else thinks that a mistletoe means two people have to share a kiss, you and I take it a step further. Then another step and another...

*Laughs* We take it a lot of steps further. I wonder what those people thought when we invaded the window display at Macy's and they saw Santa getting a lap dance?

I remember the gasps of outrage and disbelief. I especially remember that society matron who shouted through the window, "Well, I never!"  

I'm guessing that's why she was so upset. She never. EVER!

At least not since the Eisenhower administration! Well, as we said, it is that time of year. We've been very naughty, the both of us, but from our point of view, that's good behavior. So lots of presents for us... but our favourite thing to unwrap is each other.

I've been especially naughty. Can I unwrap you now, please?

You must! And as to the rest of you... if you hear moaning and crying out  for the next seven hours, well... that's us, getting into the holiday spirit. Not to mention licking candy canes and eating delicacies. Some of that will even be food.

Food? I suppose we do have to keep up our energy. And I did buy a bag of butterscotch....

I love what you do with butterscotch... not to mention a bit of hot chocolate... 

Mmmmmm...delicious! The hot chocolate and butterscotch sound good too!

That, my dear, is an understatement. Merry Christmas, everyone! If you have to have anything in your stocking, make sure it's not coal. That stuff gets everywhere. Believe me, we know. And we might add... there's a difference between being naughty, like us... and being bad. If you're really, really bad, you're not getting coal in your stocking. You're getting a Justin Bieber Christmas CD.

Our characters Rachel and Olivia prefer a different version of that Christmas standard


  1. You know... that Mr. Claus... is Shatner.

  2. It's always sex, sex, sex, with these two!

  3. I had a good laugh - especially the Santa lap dance. *warning Don't read while drinking coffee.

  4. LOL You two!!

    I will try to remain naughty while not being bad...I don't want a Justin Bieber CD in my stocking!!

    Merry Christmas to you all!!

  5. Well...I will never be able to look at a candy cane the same way now.

  6. I think they use candy canes the way Bill Clinton used cigars....