Friday, June 29, 2012

Rolling Our Eyes In Dismay And Face Palming

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal

Recently Scarlett and I happened to come across this particular article. 237 reasons to have sex. Go ahead and peruse them. We won't judge you. Too much, anyway.

Finished? Good. Kind of strange, isn't it? And quite personal. Some of them... well, let's face it, they're troubling. Others are outright funny. So we thought we'd examine some of them ourselves, asking the question: is this a good reason to have sex?

"I was bored."

Really? That's as much as you can muster up an answer? Not much of an imagination, huh? Come on, when you're bored, you find something to alleviate the boredom. You play poker, scrabble, yahtzee. Some sort of game that chews up time. If you happen to be playing it with someone you find rather attractive, you can raise the stakes and make it strip poker, strip scrabble, strip yahtzee, strip whatever... and spice things up. But having sex because you're bored? Come on!

How about Naked Twister? Or Dirty Scrabble?

Naked Twister is really, really, really fun. We did that one just the other night.

"The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her."

This sort of thing makes me shake my head and roll my eyes. Wow, your hero worship goes a long way. Well, just so you know, if it's Russell Brand you're looking at shagging, you'd better engage in a fleadip afterwards, because that guy doesn't bathe often. And if it's Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton who seems to be the famous celebutante in your sights... let's just say that everyone's seen what they have to offer, and sleeping with an idiot just because they're famous doesn't reflect well on your judgment.

This also applies to anyone in the Twilight cast!

"I wanted to have more sex than my friends."

Was Paris Hilton answering these questions? That seems to be one of her answers....

"I wanted the attention."

I see. This explains why you and your shag buddy are now being held  in custody in Rome after being arrested in St. Peter's Square for public lewdness. It seems His Holiness the Pope doesn't like that sort of thing. You know, we could tell you from personal experience that if you're going to engage in exhibitionism, always have a quick escape ready. You never know how your audience will react.

The Pope was just jealous!

He's not getting any.

"I saw the person naked and could not resist."

Okay. I'll give you this one. That's a good reason to have sex.

I'll second that!

"I wanted to gain control of the person."

Reality check here. That control only lasts as long as the erection lasts. There's one thing all women need to remember: a man is hard when he's soft and soft when he's hard. It's that simple. Really.

"I thought it would help trap a new partner."

Are you looking for a sex partner...or a bear? Or maybe both? Now that would be kinky!

 "I was competing with someone else for the person."

James, didn't we go down this road some years ago? That stupid twit thought all she had to do was stick it in your face and...James? Are you listening? Get that silly grin off your face! You did her, didn't you? 

Oh, good God, no, I avoided that trap, and so much the better. I was just picturing her with a neon sign marked stupid twit over her head. It's very fitting.

You still occasionally attract some room temperature IQ types. But I suppose I can understand that even stupid girls know a hottie when they see one!

"I didn't know how to say no." "I thought it would help trap a new partner."

Whaaaaat? Don't know how to say no? Oh, come now--it's an easy little word, and only two letters. One little syllable. Repeat after me: NO, NO, NO, NO. It's the same word in many languages. And in those that have a different word, it's usually equally simple: non, nyet.... 

Or the always reliable "Drop dead, you knuckledragging moron."

"It's exciting, dangerous."

Can't argue with that....

Particularly if it's done on the side of a rock face. 



Friday, June 15, 2012

Father's Day: A Study In Contrasts

With Father's Day soon upon us, we thought we'd revisit the idea we had with Mother's Day, giving the point of view of our main characters, Chloe and Gabriel, in Same Time Tomorrow on their fathers. Let us know what you think of the final product!

Chloe: I don't see why I have to participate. I don't celebrate Father's Day. I don't have a father--I haven't had one since I was seven. My so-called father just drove off one day and never came back. He always said he loved me, but if he had, he couldn't have done that.

How could he have changed so much overnight? I remember when I was little--I loved horses. I always wanted a pony. He got me one. A beautiful pony--Gingersnap. I loved that pony, and I loved my daddy for getting her for me. He taught me to ride. He told me when I was older, I'd be able to ride in horse shows. I was so looking forward to that!

He used to brush my hair for me. He told me I had beautiful hair, that I was his beautiful little princess. He said only a prince would ever be good enough for me. I remember riding on his shoulders--that's how he carried me off to bed at night--and I asked him where I would ever find a prince. He laughed and said, "Don't worry, honey--he'll find you."

At least he was telling the truth about that. Gabriel did find me. At least when we have kids, I know he'll be a good father. He had a good role model in his own dad....

Gabriel: I keep thinking from time to time about Dad. I think he'd be proud of the man I've become. I owe that to him. He was a good example to live up to. You know, he led a busy life, a lot of responsibility, but he always had time for me. Dad's the one who really introduced me to the wonders of the great outdoors, got me started in photography. Mom, not quite so much. No, Mom would have said, "no thanks, hiking with mosquitoes draining my blood is not my idea of a swell time."

I was twelve, and I remember hiking in Maine with him. Mom went off antiquing, and we went up on the Appalachian Trail for a few hours. We stopped at this overlook for a bite to eat, and just stared out at miles and miles of trees and lakes. I looked at him, he looked at me, and we both had the same big grin. That's really one of my favourite memories. I think I knew already then that I wanted to spend my life doing something like that. And thanks to Dad, I got that chance.

It's hard, going through each year, missing them. Each Father's Day that passes by, I wonder what it would have been like if he was still here. I have good memories to hold onto. I just hope I can be nearly as good a dad to the children I want to have with Chloe as my dad was to me. It's a lot to live up to.
"I told you, don't call me Junior!"

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Six Sentence Sunday

Today, from Same Time Tomorrow, we have a Six Sentence Sunday blog...

          "I think faith means taking whatever comes and continuing to believe," Gabriel said gently.
          "Well, that sucks!" She was angry. She was angry at her mother for not having chemotherapy, angry at God for not giving them a miracle, and at herself for not being there enough for her mother the past few years, for not being able to give her new husband the honeymoon he deserved.
          He held her close. "It's all right to be angry," he told her.