Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Why You Should Just Avoid Dating Werewolves Altogether

We've been busy writing as of late (when we weren't doing research in between the sheets, and by the fireplace, and in the sauna, and out on the terrace... well, you get the idea). One item of popular culture has come up, though, and Scarlett and I thought we'd talk about it today.

That item being the infernal franchise called Twilight.

Now, now, don't go running off in terror. We know, it's a horrible, horrible thing.

We were talking about which of the three characters involved in the love triangle (or menage a trois), depending on your fanfic tastes, would be less annoying to have around the house. In the end, between pasty sparkly vampire Edward, sullen nitwit Bella, and the doggie... er, that is, Jacob the werewolf, well, the mutt seemed to have won out. Unfortunately, the mutt still brings certain disadvantages to the table, doesn't he, Scarlett?

James, if I had to choose one I'd take the werewolf...but having to take him for flea dips could be a nuisance.
It really would be. Of course, being a doggie, he'd spend a lot of time marking his territory.
That's not the kind of thing you want to see at a party, is it?

It would be embarrassing to have Jacob hiking his leg as a dinner party. And then there the problem with chasing cars....

Rolling in dead things...

And humping the legs of your friends.

That's a bad one too. He'd also be biting postmen.

Housetraining would be a problem. Does he go outside to relieve himself when he's in full wolf mode?

I'm sure Stephanie Meyer never thought of that one. Not that I'd like to confirm it by torturing myself by reading those Twilight books. There's another issue: what if he's been out in the rain? He comes in with that awful wet dog smell all over him that we all recognize. Should he have to wait in the screened off porch until he dries off?
 Anyone living with him would have to forget about ever having a cat. The poor kitty would be constantly running away from home.

You couldn't blame the cat, what with a werewolf-mutt living around the house. I'd bolt too if I was a cat.

You know, a woman who had Jacob as a boyfriend, if she were to call him a dog, she'd mean it literally. If the dog catcher happens to snatch him, he'd better hope the girlfriend's not pissed at him. She might just leave him at the pound.

Of course, once the sun comes up, he winds up reverting to sullen Jacob.

Imagine the shock on the dog catcher's face when he goes in to check on his prisoners and finds a half naked man in one of the cages.

I can hear his words: "where'd that mangy mutt get off to?"


  1. OMG, my husband and I smiled through the whole thing, but that last demotivational poster had us rolling! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. The last pic...PRICELESS!
    I have always wondered when they turn into werewolves what happens to their clothes and shoes? And when they turn back into human they magically have them back on. Uhm, what?

  3. Ooh, werewolves. Yikes! What happened to the howling coyotes?

  4. Oh gosh guys...you took the words right out of my mouth...wet dog smell, mangy fleas...always needing brushing...and then, having to take the thing out for walks...worst of all: Picking up it's shit...!

    Yup, that's why I choose the sparkly vampire!!!

  5. We forgot the whole pooper-scooper issue!

  6. I suppose I'd choose Bella. Chances are that every time something bad happened, she'd go into a catatonic state and you'd never hear from her again ...

  7. Sparkly vampire...all you have to do is keep him out of the sun. He doesn't sleep, he only requires to eat every few days, would win a staring contest, is a little cool to the touch but a nice electric blanket would fix that problem....oh, and you don't have to pick up his shit like you do with a mutt...

    Yeah, so that's why I choose the sparkly vampire. Plus, he looks like he knows how to kiss...Can you imagine that big long tongue....ewwww....

  8. BTW, love the cartoon of the wolf licking himself...too cute...!

  9. I love the last pic. Too funny. Well, any of the three would interfere with James and Scarlett's research. Bella would drive me crazy with her depressive state. Hey! If Bella was put on anti-depressants, would she want either of them?
    Beth, what if his sparklies rubbed off on you. ewwww.

  10. Ewwwwww. Housetraining. Now I will NEVER look at Jacob the same! Not that I ever thought he was hot to begin with though.

  11. Hahahahahahahahaha. That was just awesome!