Fifty Shades Of Explosions

E.L. James Book Gets New Director; Drastic Changes Planned For Erotic Novel

New York (AP) Mere days after director Sam Taylor-Johnson was named to helm the much anticipated bondage film 50 Shades Of Grey, based on the novel by professional Twilight fan E.L. James, the project has seen a big shake up in the form of a new director. Executives with Universal Studios called a hasty press conference to announce the change in directors; as the press gathered, it seemed the executives had a common look in their eyes: deer in the headlights.

Allison Bridges, Vice President (Communications) at Universal Studios, took to the podium to make the announcement. "We'd like to thank Sam for her interest in the role, but we feel this film needs a different point of view. And so it is with great pride that we announce the new director of the film, Michael Bay."

There was a gasp from the crowd. Bay, who's known for films featuring lots of explosions, noise, and an appalling lack of common sense, walked out on the stage. He took a moment to admire himself in the reflection of a pocket mirror, smiling, and waved to the crowd. "Hi, thanks for coming out. You know, it's a great pleasure to direct this film. When I heard someone say at a party that Fifty Shades of Grey was to fiction what Michael Bay films are to film, I knew it had to be something absolutely beyond brilliant. So when the opportunity came up to direct, how could I pass that up?" He smiled, and checked his mirror again before putting it back in his pocket.

"Where was I? Oh, yes. You know, I'm the kind of director who likes telling his own story. Sometimes that means making a lot of things blow up. Other times it requires me to have lots of fires set to rock music scores, and people in authority looking dimwitted and yelling while the off kilter main character just gets done what has to be done. All while a scantily clad babe gives a car a wash. So I've got ideas of my own for the way this film is going to go. First of all, my main characters. This Christian Grey guy. Billionaire. Misunderstood. Cool as all out. Weird personal tastes. Or so I've heard... haven't actually read the novel yet. Anyway, I know who's perfect for the role. Yes, he's my go-to guy. I've worked with him a lot when I'm filming those Transformers movies, and the man has the gravitas and looks for the role. Shia, come on out here!"

Shia LaBeouf came out on the stage, nervous at first , hearing snickers from the gathered journalists. Bay put his arm around his frequent collaborator, smiling like the Cheshire Cat. "He's perfect, people!" Bay exclaimed. "Just the sort of guy to play this misunderstood protagonist, am I right? And since he's got to have his Anastasia Steele, I've cast her too. You know, I've never worked with her, but I knew from the first time I saw her that she'd be perfect. I found her in a bar, snorting coke off a hooker's thigh and working her way through a bottle of scotch. I probably shouldn't have mentioned that, because she's out on probation at the moment. The latest probation agreement if you keep track of them as they go along. Still, what could possibly go wrong with this casting decision?" Bay nodded. "Lindsay, darling! Come take a bow!"

Journalists gasped again. Lindsay Lohan stumbled out in a daze, looking around. Bay drew her over, wrapping his free arm around her shoulder. "Say hello to Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, ladies and gentlemen! 50 Shades of Grey is going to be the film that wins me an Oscar! Now I know what you're thinking. I've got a reputation to uphold, and I've got ideas for the film that aren't in the book. For example, I'm going to have Nicolas Cage there, because, hey, it's been awhile since we've worked together, but I think he'd be really good as Anastasia's crazy uncle Mad Dog Steele. The story's going to have Mad Dog on the run from Chechen mobsters. Or was it Russian mobsters? Oh, what's the difference? Somebody from Eastern Europe with lots of explosives, because you need explosives in a film..."

One of the journalists finally spoke up. "Mr. Bay! None of that is in the original book..."

Bay shrugged. "Your point is?"

Lohan smiled in a dazed way, and proclaimed in a drawling, slurred way, "You know, I'm long overdue for a Grammy..."

"Oscar, Lindsay, it's an Oscar," LaBeouf corrected his co-star.

"Oscar, Grammar, whatever," Lohan said, shrugging. "Anyone here got a drink?"

Bay grinned, oblivious to the looks from the reporters. "Get set for it, ladies and gentlemen. We're starting filming for a Christmas 2014 release, because nothing says Christmas like bondage, S&M, and three hours of explosions. This is the film they'll be talking about for years to come!"

No doubt they will. After the trio had left, and the horrified executives followed them out, reporters were already taking bets on how much of a bomb the Michael Bay helmed 50 Shades will be.