The International Intruder Sits Down With A Rat Bastard

Today, we're going to turn the tables on one of the sleaziest paparazzi to ever stalk a celebrity. Jeremy  Hayward has been in the business of stalking, harassing and embarrassing celebrities for the past ten years.

You make that sound like a bad thing.


Thank you for agreeing to talk with us today, Jeremy. You've become something of a legend in your, uh, profession. How did you get started? What made you decide to become a sleaze--I mean celebrity photographer?

Oh, the pay. I'd like to say I was in it for the responsibility, but come on... there is no responsibility in this line of work.

You realize you can make a whole lot of money getting pics of a star in a compromising position? You can blackmail them if it's really embarassing... or you can sell it to the Enquirer, the Star, or even to that rag you work for. Whoever's paying the most.

 I heard you were unable to make it as a serious photographer....

Define serious.

Look, every once in awhile I've tried the so called respectable route, but let's face it, that's just full of self righteous idiots and jerks who look down their self righteous noses at real talent like me. Who wants that sort of thing?


Is it true you once photographed Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn having sex?

You've heard about that, have you? My reputation preceeds me!


How did you do it?

Well, that was kind of hard to get done. See, the thing is I had to climb up in one of those sequoia trees near the place where they were staying. During a rainstorm, with a telephoto lens. I got into a squabble with one of those environmental activists who thought I was working for the lumber industry when she saw me start climbing.

Long story short, I got up high enough to see their chalet, and that beautiful telephoto lens worked its magic. It's as if I was right outside the window. And I caught everything.  I mean everything. She was on top of him on the bar counter, riding away, throwing her head back when she had her happy moment. By the way, she's got a strange birthmark on her butt, and Vaughn has a really bizarre tattoo on his...

That we don't want to know.

His foot! What did you think I was about to say?

I managed to negotiate a whole lot of money out of those two not to publish the pics.

I've heard you also got nude photos of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Is that true?

Yeah, but let's face it, every paparazzi worth their salt has managed to photograph those two naked. There's a glut of naked Paris and naked Kardashian pics out there on the market. Well, not the two of them naked at the same time, and engaged in certain activities that might score me a big payday from the adult entertainment industry.


Do you ever get so turned on in such situations that you lose focus? Pun intended....

Well, during that whole photo shoot with Jen and Vince, up in that tree, I nearly slipped at one point while they were going at it a second time. Like I said, it was raining, the tree branches were wet... just caught myself in time... or I wouldn't be here today.

Fortunately there are plenty of pretty young interns at gossip rags who are always eager to help me... work off getting worked up, so to speak. Know what I mean?

Did you really hide in Kristen Stewart's trailer on the Twilight set to get the first photos of her with Robert Pattinson as a real-life couple?

I'd like to take credit for that one, really I would, but I can't. A guy I know was responsible for that fiasco of broken condoms and sparkles all over the trailer. 

I was busy that night trailing Miley Cyrus. She was on a pub crawl. Her boyfriend kept rolling his eyes and trying to convince her to go home. I'm amazed he's still with her, by the way. You'd think her giving him a penis cake on his birthday would have been the last straw. Anyway, long story short, I caught the picture of Miley throwing up on Mickey Rooney.


Is it true that Justin Bieber beat you up?

All he did was shove me. And busted my camera. He hits like a girl, to be honest. I'd have hit him back, but I'd rather sue the little cretin for everything I can get for assault and emotional distress, whatever I can con a judge into buying. All I have to do is find a judge with a teenage daughter. Then I'm home free. Any judge like that would automatically have an inbuilt loathing of Bieber. I'd better do it fast, because word on the street has it that his manager is stealing every cent out of his accounts. Don't tell anyone I said that.


How many times have you been assaulted by your targets?

Let's see, I've had wine thrown in my face, gotten slapped one or two or three hundred times, depending on how you define slap. I've had pictures and dishes thrown at me... incidentally, that's how I got this old scar on my chin. Let's just say that Britney Spears has a mean throwing arm when she's tossing a plate. I've been run down by Mel Gibson once, went flying over his car hood, but that guy's got a temper problem. I've been beaten up by Tom Cruise's hired muscle. Someone that short has to have someone else do that sort of thing.

I once went a bit too far photographing the daughter of this drug kingpin. Next thing I knew I was tied up in this warehouse, they were beating the crap out of me, and they were threatening to cut off the most valuable part of my anatomy. I'll tell you, if it wasn't for the DEA and the Columbian army turning up at the last possible minute, I wouldn't be here today. Certainly not in one piece.

I probably shouldn't have mentioned that one.

Of all possible targets, who among those you haven't yet photographed would you like to catch off guard?

Good question. I've got several on my to-do list.

I'd like to set that Tebow guy up. Make him look less like the sanctimonious momma's boy he passes himself off as. Maybe arrange a Tebow and Kardashian encounter. That'll wipe the self righteousness off his face, wouldn't it?

I'd like to catch Lady Gaga without the makeup and the whole crazy getup thing she does. Even if it's not a Lady Gaga naked shot.

And of course the holy grail of tabloid shots. Hillary walking in on Bill Clinton having sex with Ann Coulter. On top of the original Star Spangled Banner.


One last question: how did you get the nickname Rat Bastard?  

Clearly my reputation, once again, preceeds me.

Let's just say that one of my more... respectable exes coined that term, and had enough contacts in the industry to make it stick. She just couldn't keep up with someone as fast paced as me. Her loss.

Oh well. It's not the worst thing I've had said about me. That Columbian guy, right before the DEA put two rounds in his head, said I'd be maggot food. Now really, what kind of manners is that? Telling that to the guy you've had beaten up and threatened to cut off... the boys, so to speak?

I probably shouldn't have said that.

Thanks for sitting down with us today. It's been.... enlightening.

You're welcome. You want to go out to dinner? I'll tell you more tales from the front lines.

I wouldn't go to dinner with you if you were the last person on Earth.

Was it something I said?

Rolling Our Eyes In Dismay And Face Palming

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal

Recently Scarlett and I happened to come across this particular article. 237 reasons to have sex. Go ahead and peruse them. We won't judge you. Too much, anyway.

Finished? Good. Kind of strange, isn't it? And quite personal. Some of them... well, let's face it, they're troubling. Others are outright funny. So we thought we'd examine some of them ourselves, asking the question: is this a good reason to have sex?

"I was bored."

Really? That's as much as you can muster up an answer? Not much of an imagination, huh? Come on, when you're bored, you find something to alleviate the boredom. You play poker, scrabble, yahtzee. Some sort of game that chews up time. If you happen to be playing it with someone you find rather attractive, you can raise the stakes and make it strip poker, strip scrabble, strip yahtzee, strip whatever... and spice things up. But having sex because you're bored? Come on!

How about Naked Twister? Or Dirty Scrabble?

Naked Twister is really, really, really fun. We did that one just the other night.

"The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her."

This sort of thing makes me shake my head and roll my eyes. Wow, your hero worship goes a long way. Well, just so you know, if it's Russell Brand you're looking at shagging, you'd better engage in a fleadip afterwards, because that guy doesn't bathe often. And if it's Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton who seems to be the famous celebutante in your sights... let's just say that everyone's seen what they have to offer, and sleeping with an idiot just because they're famous doesn't reflect well on your judgment.

This also applies to anyone in the Twilight cast!

"I wanted to have more sex than my friends."

Was Paris Hilton answering these questions? That seems to be one of her answers....

"I wanted the attention."

I see. This explains why you and your shag buddy are now being held  in custody in Rome after being arrested in St. Peter's Square for public lewdness. It seems His Holiness the Pope doesn't like that sort of thing. You know, we could tell you from personal experience that if you're going to engage in exhibitionism, always have a quick escape ready. You never know how your audience will react.

The Pope was just jealous!

He's not getting any.

"I saw the person naked and could not resist."

Okay. I'll give you this one. That's a good reason to have sex.

I'll second that!

"I wanted to gain control of the person."

Reality check here. That control only lasts as long as the erection lasts. There's one thing all women need to remember: a man is hard when he's soft and soft when he's hard. It's that simple. Really.

"I thought it would help trap a new partner."

Are you looking for a sex partner...or a bear? Or maybe both? Now that would be kinky!

 "I was competing with someone else for the person."

James, didn't we go down this road some years ago? That stupid twit thought all she had to do was stick it in your face and...James? Are you listening? Get that silly grin off your face! You did her, didn't you? 

Oh, good God, no, I avoided that trap, and so much the better. I was just picturing her with a neon sign marked stupid twit over her head. It's very fitting.

You still occasionally attract some room temperature IQ types. But I suppose I can understand that even stupid girls know a hottie when they see one!

"I didn't know how to say no." "I thought it would help trap a new partner."

Whaaaaat? Don't know how to say no? Oh, come now--it's an easy little word, and only two letters. One little syllable. Repeat after me: NO, NO, NO, NO. It's the same word in many languages. And in those that have a different word, it's usually equally simple: non, nyet.... 

Or the always reliable "Drop dead, you knuckledragging moron."

"It's exciting, dangerous."

Can't argue with that....

Particularly if it's done on the side of a rock face. 

Ouch!

 

Father's Day: A Study In Contrasts

With Father's Day soon upon us, we thought we'd revisit the idea we had with Mother's Day, giving the point of view of our main characters, Chloe and Gabriel, in Same Time Tomorrow on their fathers. Let us know what you think of the final product!

Chloe: I don't see why I have to participate. I don't celebrate Father's Day. I don't have a father--I haven't had one since I was seven. My so-called father just drove off one day and never came back. He always said he loved me, but if he had, he couldn't have done that.

How could he have changed so much overnight? I remember when I was little--I loved horses. I always wanted a pony. He got me one. A beautiful pony--Gingersnap. I loved that pony, and I loved my daddy for getting her for me. He taught me to ride. He told me when I was older, I'd be able to ride in horse shows. I was so looking forward to that!

He used to brush my hair for me. He told me I had beautiful hair, that I was his beautiful little princess. He said only a prince would ever be good enough for me. I remember riding on his shoulders--that's how he carried me off to bed at night--and I asked him where I would ever find a prince. He laughed and said, "Don't worry, honey--he'll find you."

At least he was telling the truth about that. Gabriel did find me. At least when we have kids, I know he'll be a good father. He had a good role model in his own dad....

Gabriel: I keep thinking from time to time about Dad. I think he'd be proud of the man I've become. I owe that to him. He was a good example to live up to. You know, he led a busy life, a lot of responsibility, but he always had time for me. Dad's the one who really introduced me to the wonders of the great outdoors, got me started in photography. Mom, not quite so much. No, Mom would have said, "no thanks, hiking with mosquitoes draining my blood is not my idea of a swell time."

I was twelve, and I remember hiking in Maine with him. Mom went off antiquing, and we went up on the Appalachian Trail for a few hours. We stopped at this overlook for a bite to eat, and just stared out at miles and miles of trees and lakes. I looked at him, he looked at me, and we both had the same big grin. That's really one of my favourite memories. I think I knew already then that I wanted to spend my life doing something like that. And thanks to Dad, I got that chance.

It's hard, going through each year, missing them. Each Father's Day that passes by, I wonder what it would have been like if he was still here. I have good memories to hold onto. I just hope I can be nearly as good a dad to the children I want to have with Chloe as my dad was to me. It's a lot to live up to.

"I told you, don't call me Junior!"

Six Sentence Sunday

Today, from Same Time Tomorrow, we have a Six Sentence Sunday blog...

 

          "I think faith means taking whatever comes and continuing to believe," Gabriel said gently.

          "Well, that sucks!" She was angry. She was angry at her mother for not having chemotherapy, angry at God for not giving them a miracle, and at herself for not being there enough for her mother the past few years, for not being able to give her new husband the honeymoon he deserved.

          He held her close. "It's all right to be angry," he told her.

The International Intruder: Sitting Down With A New York Editor

Today here at the International Intruder, we're having a chat with Dana Butler, fashion editor at Worldview. Ms. Butler has been helming the magazine's fashion section for five years, and is a regular fixture at society parties in New York City and beyond.

Intruder: Ms. Butler, thank you for chatting with us today. To begin, where do you see the world of fashion going in the next year?

Dana: To hell in a handbasket. I can't believe how many women I see on the streets in jeans and T-shirts. And sweats, for crying out loud! And those stupid doctors telling us high heels are not good for our feet. We shouldn't care about what's good for our feet. We should care how we look!

Intruder: It has been said, most recently by our publisher, the esteemed Wally "Scorched Earth" Teagarden, that the fashion world doesn't really reflect the way society really operates. From bizarre clothing being sent down the runways to assertions from designers that the world revolves around them. How would you respond to such a suggestion?

Dana: Since when is vanity not a good thing? 

Intruder: Tell us the truth. Karl Lagerfeld. Just an eccentric sort of fellow or a bloodsucking lord of the undead?

Dana: Oh, I'm fairly certain he's a vampire. But he's sooooo talented! Sacrifices must be made for true creative genius. So what if a few ordinary people must be sacrificed for the sake of art or fashion?

Lord Lagerfeld, Master of the Targos Blood Clan

Intruder: We've heard a lot down through the years about supermodel egos and misbehavior. The courts have had  more then a few hearings about "model rage", and let's face it, Naomi Campbell is a lawyer's industry in and of herself. What would you describe as the biggest model prima donna meltdown you've ever witnessed?

Dana: Bigger than Naomi? Even that suggestion would send her into a rage that would result in hairbrushes and phones being hurled like missiles!  But between you and me, all models are prima donnas.

Intruder: We thought so. How do you manage, in all the time you devote to your work, which certainly isn't a nine to five job, to find time for yourself? How do you unwind from the pressures of the job?

Dana: I like to hunt. I hunt hunks.Try saying that fast three times.

I had my eye on a prime specimen. But my best friend married him. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a brother. Maybe I could have him cloned. Oh, he is hot!

Intruder: We understand from our sources that you're the proud servant to a feline with a risque name. Is it true that you named your cat Pussy?

Dana: Who told you that? Who blabbed? And who said I'm a servant?

Pussy the Voyeur

Intruder: Privileged information as to our source, I'm afraid. Journalism standards and ethics and all. Yes, we know that sounds strange coming from a tabloid. Anyway, from our source, we understand that Pussy has a tendency to, well, watch how things progress when you're, to put it mildly, engaging in certain adult activities. Is this true?

Dana: So Pussy likes to watch. I've always been a bit of an exhibitionist. Would you like to see for yourself if Pussy really likes to watch?

Intruder: I, um... well, that's what Ryan... er, I mean, that's what our source said.

Dana: Ryan? Ryan Taylor? You've been talking with that no good bastard? That's it! This interview is over!

With that, Ms. Butler left the room. We didn't try to stop her. According to our sources, the lady does carry a taser with her.

Mother's Day: A Character's Point Of View

We thought we'd do something a little different today, in marking Mother's Day. Both of our leading characters in Same Time Tomorrow have their own perspectives and relationships with their mothers, and we thought it would be an ideal choice to write from Gabriel and Chloe's point of view. Enjoy, and let us know what you think....

Gabriel: One of the things that goes through my head every once in awhile is that I'll reach a point where I've gotten older then my parents. That's just a few years away. My mom and dad, Sheila and Alec Miller, were killed by a drunk driver years ago. They were in the prime of life; I was eighteen. Nearly half my life now I've been an orphan. It was a hard time for me, and I found it difficult at times to cope with what I had lost. Now, as time goes on, and I get closer to their age, I wonder a lot how they'd think of the way I've lived my life, of what I've done. I wish they were here, and I miss them terribly.

My mother was a doctor, always the sort who'd help out someone in distress. She had a wry sense of humor- got that from both of her parents, by the way- and a kind heart. Compassion and strength, that's how I'd define her. I think about her, and I wish that she and Dad were still here now. That I could introduce them to Chloe. That'll never happen. They're gone, and I have only the memory of them still with me. Good memories. As hard as it was, there comes a point that I've learned to live with it, that the good memories outweigh the sorrow.

God bless, Mom and Dad. Thanks for bringing me up and doing right by me. I hope you'd be proud of me.

Chloe: My father left us when I was a little girl. No warning, no reason. He just drove off one day and never came back. From that day on, my mother, Linda Masters, became both mother and father to me in a sense. She always did the best she could with a troubled little girl who had anger issues and a tendency to act out aggressively. I never understood why my daddy no longer loved us, and Mom couldn't explain it to me. I hated him for what he did to us, and it left me unable to trust men--until I met Gabriel.

Had I not had such a strong, loving mother, I could have turned out badly.  But she was always patient and loving, doing all she could to repair my damaged emotions. She's not just my mom, she's my best friend. And now I'm going to lose her.

My mother is dying. She has Stage Four pancreatic cancer. It's not fair. This wonderful, loving woman who has, to my knowledge, never had a cross word for anyone, is dying much too soon. How much do you want to bet my so-called father is alive and in perfect health? Mom calls dying "going to her reward." I guess that's true.

If anyone deserves to be rewarded for the live they've lived, it's Mom.

Happy Mother's Day to every mom who reads this!

Earth's Mightiest Leather, Spandex, And Temper Tantrums

Today, James and I are going to talk about Marvel's The Avengers. I'm guessing the Marvel part of the title is to indicate this film has nothing to do with the British TV series also titled The Avengers. I think they should have had to change their name. "The Avengers" suits this team so much better!

Earth's mightiest heroes certainly fits the name, and Scarlett and I loved the movie. Some of the reviews we've been using have the term nerdgasm in them. Not quite the same as orgasms, but at the very least a kind of bliss, right?

Oh, yessssssss!

The Avengers Initiative is the creation of SHIELD, headed by Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), here with his operatives Phil Coulson (Clark Gregg) and Maria Hill (Cobie Smulders).

Things go wrong early in the film when, at a secure facility, a project involving the tesseract, the cube last seen in the film Captain America The First Avenger, is being studied by Doctor Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard, returning from last summer's Thor). The device draws someone to Earth, Loki (Tom Hiddleston), who has plans of his own, and fresh tricks up his sleeve.

Their special consultant, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is Iron Man--perfect for the Avengers Initiative, if not for Tony's volatile, not-a-team-player personality.

Downey, of course, as Stark, is much more interested in his own pursuits, opening a new building in New York and his growing relationship with Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow, reprising her role briefly after the first two Iron Man films.)

The Avengers are a band of six superheroes, most of who have never met before--except for the elite assassins, Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson), who obviously have a long history and more than a working relationship. They make Mr. and Mrs. Smith look like amateurs!

And circumstance draws the two of them, for a time, into opposing roles. I was fascinated by the Widow's history with Hawkeye, not to mention her techniques at using deception, stealth, and psychology at the most opportune times. And there is that leather suit she wears....

You're getting ideas, aren't you?

Oh, lots of them, yes!

The Avengers are facing off against Loki (Tom Hiddleston), the Asgardian God of Mischief--yep, from Norse mythology--but according to that great philosopher, Stan Lee, the Norse had it wrong. Asgard is actually another planet, and the "gods" visit us through a wormhole (I wonder if they've ever visited Deep Space Nine?).

An entirely different sci fi universe, darling, believe me....

I think the stuff Loki's doing now is more than mere mischief....

Well, he does have a way of bringing a whole army with him, so that's a lot more than mischief.

I believe Tom Hiddleston now calls him The God of Menace.

It fits him!

Joining Hawkeye and Black Widow in the fight are Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Loki's brother (as Thor is quick to point out, Loki's adopted) and Captain America (Chris Evans), who is well over ninety year old, by my estimation. He looks really, really good for his age, doesn't he?

Super soldier formulas do wonders for the body. And Cap always struck me as the sort who eats an apple a day to keep the doctor away.

Whatever he's doing, he's doing it right!

As for Thor, what a hunk! If it's true about the size of a man's hammer being related to the size of his....

Scarlett, sweetie, children might be reading this!

No, they're not. It has a warning, remember?

Darling, would you be willing to do a bit of role-playing? If you'll suit up as either of these hunks, I promise to put on Black Widow's costume and interrogate you!

Is that a promise? Just the thought of getting... interrogated like that really turns me on!

As long as you give me Thor and Cap!

And then there's the Hulk. This not only happens to him when he's angry, it happens when he's excited. Oh, my....

The Hulk is indeed the last part of the puzzle. Mark Ruffalo is brought in to replace Edward Norton and Eric Bana, who have played the role of Bruce Banner before, and he really suits the character very well. 

He does! This was a smart move!

The thought of what might happen if the Hulk got excited is a slightly disturbing one, you know...

How do you feel about being painted green, love?

James smash!

These guys should have all been on People's Sexiest Man Alive list....

No kidding! The casting teams of these films really did a great job bringing them all together, and Joss Whedon, directing the final product, ended up hitting the ball right out of the park with this film. We're really recommending it.

Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to do a little... interrogation.

You are my prisoner, after all....