A Nice Spot For A Wedding

Copyright 2011 Robert A. Crowe

We're in the midst of writing a wedding ceremony for Same Time Tomorrow, and we thought we'd just take a moment today to show you the location. The Pagoda above stands on a small island in Forest Park, St. Louis. Nice spot, don't you think?

Strangely enough, though the wedding in the book is within days of the proposal, it seems this quickie wedding has really taken its time in being written!  Our characters have been glaring at us, tapping at their watches, and frowning frequently, wondering what's been taking us. You know, for characters, they seem to have very little respect for their creators. They keep hijacking the book on us.

We leave you then with something to amuse you....

 

Dana Butler Breaks Through The Fourth Wall

Late at night; a woman finds herself in a large house, having no idea how she got here or quite where she is. This is Dana Butler, magazine editor, outrageous flirt, and occasional target of teasing by Mother Nature. She looks around, confused, and hears moans somewhere nearby. It sounds like the good sort of moans. She follows the sounds, hearing voices, and opens a door. There, in the bedroom before her, a woman is naked, straddling a naked man on a bed, both of them grinding against each other, gasping and groaning as they take each other closer and closer to the edge. It's James and Scarlett, and they're busily in the midst of mating....

James: Oh, goddess!

Scarlett: Oh...my...master!

Dana: WTF!

The two stop what they're doing and look toward the door.

Scarlett: Darling, it looks like we have company.

James: And just when we hadn't quite finished yet. You look familiar, Miss. Were you there when Scarlett and I had sex in the middle of the crowd at the Governor's Ball last year, or... oh, wait... darling, I think one of our characters broke through the Fourth Wall.

Scarlett sits up on the bed, still naked, in the lotus position. 

Scarlett: How is that possible?

Dana: Could you two please put some clothes on? Or at least you. Him I can look at and enjoy the view.

Scarlett: I beg your pardon--are you saying I'm visually unappealing?

Dana: Yes--no--you're just not my type, okay?

James: A great shame. My Scarlett is a goddess, after all. Radiant, lovely, and divine. I do so enjoy worshipping her. As it stands, we don't like having to put clothes back on. Unless it's just in anticipation of taking them off again later on. So no, we're not getting dressed, Miss Butler, or should we call you Dana?

Dana: Wait a minute... what did you mean, our characters? How'd you know my name?

James: We created you. You're a character in our book.

Dana: You're shitting me!

Scarlett: I assure you, we don't "shit" anybody. You're a secondary character in Same Time Tomorrow. 

Dana: Secondary? That's insulting!

Scarlett: Patience, Dana. You're shaping up to be quite a character. At the rate you're going, you'll have your own book soon.

Dana is excited by the prospect. 

Dana: My own book? Will I finally get a man?

Scarlett: You're making it sound as if you're going to the meat market!

James: At the moment, we're amusing ourselves by having you be the comic relief. Hence the numerous mishaps with animals.

Dana: Wait a minute... the owl? The coyote? All the jokes from everyone else? You mean you're saying you're writing this? You do realize it's making fun of me?

James: Dana, you come across so well like a larger then life character. Making you the comic relief really works. And come on.... you're the one who has a cat named Pussy. Who judges you when you're having sex, so of course you're going to be comic relief. But yes, down the line, we'll write you a book. With a guy who's more then a one night stand or passing fling. If you behave yourself.

Dana: I hate behaving myself.

James: We know. Oh, look behind you.

Dana looks, and gasps. Two coyotes trot into the room, and a screech owl flies in.

Dana: Oh, not these damned animals again!

Owl: If you're going to insult us, make sure we don't speak English.

Male Coyote: You weren't so bold that night in the orchard.

He howls, and the animals all share a laugh.

Dana: You think you're funny, don't you?

Female Coyote: Of course we do.

A bear enters the room.

Bear: Am I late?

Dana: For what? Dinner?

Bear: Now that you mention it, I am hungry.


Dana: Look, this isn't possible. I'm not a character in a book, and wild animals do not speak English.

Female Coyote: And yet we're speaking it so very well.

Male Coyote: Though with a Welsh accent.

Female Coyote: I've always found that curious. We were born on this side of the ocean.

Owl: Simply put, Miss Butler, did it occur to you that you might be dreaming?

Bear: Or that they might be dreaming?

Female Coyote: No, they appear to be mating.

Dana looks back at Scarlett and James, who are all over each other again, groping and moaning on the bed.

Abruptly, she wakes...and finds herself alone in bed. She sits up in the darkness and looks around, making sure there are no animals in the room. Pussy jumps up on the bed and crawls into her arms, purring contentedly. 

Dana: Pussy, remind me never to eat pizza with the works at bedtime ever again.

Pussy: Such a foolish slave you are!

Distracting Ourselves Whilst In Between The Sheets

We're still recovering from our post-New Year's Eve marathon session of being naked and involved in... adult situations with each other, so we thought we'd point you to something we've discovered. Word It Out is a site that allows you to take sections of text and make word clouds out of them. We've played around with this with text from our book Same Time Tomorrow, and these four word clouds are the result. Enjoy!

New Year's Eve And A Selection Of Sentences

Normally we'd be doing a Six Sentence Sunday blog, but since tomorrow is New Year's Day, we'll be off, so we thought we'd do something similar, but with more sentences. The following are sentences from Same Time Tomorrow. From Scarlett and I, we wish you all a Happy New Year, and I can tell you that when midnight strikes, we'll be busy having our way with each other in between the sheets....

“Damn,” she muttered under her breath. “Of all the great places Chloe and Gabriel could have gotten married in New York, they had to come out to Hooterville...”

***

The male coyote looked at his mate. “Isn't that the one the owl scared the crap out of last night?”

***

Chloe was nervous. "Do you think she'll like me?" she asked as they headed north on I-270 toward Lambert-St. Louis International Airport.

Gabriel gave her a mischievous grin. "If she doesn't, we'll have to call the whole thing off," he said.  
***

Chloe and Bridget were both laughing. Gabriel looked at the both of them, and sighed in mock dismay. “Whatever she told you, I deny everything.”
 ***

“Get going, or I’ll have my way with you right now,” she told him, kissing him on the cheek. 

***

“Sleep well?” Rachel asked.

“Oh, deliriously. You?”

“Very well. No screech owls waking Dana up in the middle of the night either.”

Olivia broke out into laughter. “She’s never going to hear the end of that, is she?”
 ***

That thought made Bridget laugh. Oh, dear God... I’m going to be a great grandmother someday...

Coitus Cybernetus Interruptus And Christmas Wrapping

It's a wonder of technology, isn't it? Where decades ago, if you were away on business and wanted some personal time with your significant other, you'd have to rely on phone sex, and hope the operator wasn't listening in. These days, we have the computer, and web cams, that can help us bridge the miles. Unless the computer crashes.

This happened on an episode of The Big Bang Theory. Leonard's girlfriend was in India, and they decided to engage in cybersex. He got his clothes off, but just as she was removing hers, the monitor froze--he could hear her talking about what she was doing and wanted to do, but all he could see was her about to remove her nightgown--and his roomie, Sheldon, was on the other side of the wall, hearing the whole thing!

Damned computers! Not letting you get to the proverbial money shot. It leaves things... halfway done, so to speak. And that's never a good thing. Of course, there are other things that computers can do that interrupt cyber-sex at the worst possible time. Imagine, for instance, you're stripping for me onscreen, and a pop up window blocks out the screen advertizing, oh, a time share in Aspen.

Remind me never to invest in THAT timeshare!
 

At least the computers behave themselves for us. They know we would never tolerate crashes or pop-up windows while we're having our fun. You know... pop-up is something of a double entendre...

I wonder if we've ever been hacked while...in the act?

If we have, it hasn't turned up online anywhere. As of yet. We've merely made the news for having our way with each other in public places.

Is it possible then, that no one will hack us because everyone has already seen the live show?

We do have that habit of being exhibitionists, even at this time of year. Where everyone else thinks that a mistletoe means two people have to share a kiss, you and I take it a step further. Then another step and another...

*Laughs* We take it a lot of steps further. I wonder what those people thought when we invaded the window display at Macy's and they saw Santa getting a lap dance?

I remember the gasps of outrage and disbelief. I especially remember that society matron who shouted through the window, "Well, I never!"  

I'm guessing that's why she was so upset. She never. EVER!

At least not since the Eisenhower administration! Well, as we said, it is that time of year. We've been very naughty, the both of us, but from our point of view, that's good behavior. So lots of presents for us... but our favourite thing to unwrap is each other.

I've been especially naughty. Can I unwrap you now, please?

You must! And as to the rest of you... if you hear moaning and crying out  for the next seven hours, well... that's us, getting into the holiday spirit. Not to mention licking candy canes and eating delicacies. Some of that will even be food.

Food? I suppose we do have to keep up our energy. And I did buy a bag of butterscotch....

I love what you do with butterscotch... not to mention a bit of hot chocolate... 

Mmmmmm...delicious! The hot chocolate and butterscotch sound good too!

That, my dear, is an understatement. Merry Christmas, everyone! If you have to have anything in your stocking, make sure it's not coal. That stuff gets everywhere. Believe me, we know. And we might add... there's a difference between being naughty, like us... and being bad. If you're really, really bad, you're not getting coal in your stocking. You're getting a Justin Bieber Christmas CD.

Our characters Rachel and Olivia prefer a different version of that Christmas standard

Dana on The REAL Sexiest Men Ever!

Who comes up with these stupid lists, anyway?

Now, I'm not saying People had it entirely wrong--there were some truly hot men on their list, but come on! They missed a lot of hotties, and I should know. I'm a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to the opposite sex. 

First off, I'm a sucker for a guy with an accent--Irish, Scottish, Aussie, French, Italian. I suppose it's because they all sound so much smarter than Americans, even if they're not. Maybe that's why I find Chloe's Gabriel so divine....

But I'm getting off track here, aren't I?


I adore Hugh Grant. Like a fine wine, he just gets better with age....

And Liam Neeson...

How about James McAvoy? Can't resist a Scotsman!

Hey...get out of here!

 That means you too--scat!

And Orlando Bloom!

Viggo Mortensen is sexy as Aragorn or as himself!

 What the...

Go away! Haven't you caused enough trouble?

The suave, sexy Colin Firth....

Of course, I do find some homegrown guys sexy, too, like Jeremy Renner....

That's NOT Jeremy Renner! How did those bears get in here? Gabriel--did you do this?

There's Jeremy...and he is HOT, HOT, HOT!

Then there's...wait a minute! This is NOT funny!

 I'm going to shoot all of you--do you hear me? You've made me forget what I was about to say!

Oh, not again! (Dana runs away, screaming....)

Olivia And Rachel: Sexy Women And Getting Hot And Bothered

Today we're handing over the blog to two of our characters, Rachel Mitchell and Olivia Shaw, for their take on the sexiest ladies around....


Olivia: Well, darling, it seems our creators are giving us a chance to play in their blog. Isn't that sweet of them?

Rachel: Very much so! We'll try not to cause too much havoc while we're here.

Olivia: It turns out that People recently put out another one of those Sexiest Man Alive issues. Not that I really understand the fixation, but apparently it sells lots of copies. And they named Bradley Cooper of all people as the Sexiest Man Alive this year.

Rachel: Good God, not him.

Olivia: Yes, that prat from those irritating Hangover movies.

Rachel: Not that we find him remotely sexy. We play on a completely different team, after all.

Olivia: Yes. Besides, he had the bad judgment to date both Renee Zellweger and Jennifer Aniston. That says a lot about his personal taste, doesn't it? And after all, he just doesn't have the sort of... equipment to get you and I hot and bothered.

Rachel: Sweetheart, that's an understatement. So our writers thought that they'd let us make our own picks for the hottest women among the stars. If it was hottest women in general, we'd easily pick each other.

Olivia: Can you blame us? Okay, shall we begin?

Rachel: Oh, let's. Some of the choices we've made have been women who do swing our way, other women who swing both ways, and, well, those women we wish would have swung our way.

Olivia: First off, we'd have to say Maria Bello. Smart and sexy in whatever role she does. She does draw our attention whenever we see her in a new role. Can you blame us? Just look at her!

Rachel: And she's funny too. Just watch Thank You For Smoking. She's got the banter right down, comes across as spirited, and let's face it, Olivia and I find spirited irresistable. I don't think she plays for our team though, does she?

Olivia: Not as far as I know. For a long time that was a question mark about our next pick, the delightful Jodie Foster. At least until she came out of the closet.

Rachel: Another strong, smart, sexy woman. She's very careful about the films she gets involved in. You don't have to worry about Jodie sullying her reputation by starring in anything with Ben Stiller, after all. Seems to take things a bit too seriously at times, though I found her adorably hilarious in Maverick.

Olivia: I kept wanting Mel Gibson to get out of the way so I could feast my eyes on Jodie.

Rachel: Our next selection is a lady that definitely swings our way. Melissa Etheridge has been a rock star for years, out of the closet for most of that time, a real icon. And she's sexy as hell.

Olivia: Remember that time I threw my panties at her?

Rachel: I dared you to.

Olivia: Watch her in concert. She flirts with her audience. Granted, her audience are overwhelmingly women... and guys who like how she plays the guitar. How can we not find her sexy?

Rachel: We find another singer, Chely Wright, profoundly sexy... it's the way she winks and smiles. And she's come out of the closet in the last couple of years.

Olivia: She performs in country music, which can be a hard audience to come out of the closet to. They tend to be conservative, set in their ways... I wonder how much she brings up about herself if she's doing a concert down south. We like her playfulness in videos and concert. It's very, very attractive.

Rachel: No kidding, honey! Staying in the musical genre, our next pick has to be the late great jazz singer Billie Holiday.

Olivia: She had the kind of voice that can break your heart and make you feel happy, sometimes in the very same song. She had this tragic, dramatic life, and it really brought out volumes of life experience in what she sang.

Rachel: And as it turns out, she swung both ways, had affairs with men and women.

Olivia: Our next selection is a pair, given that, well, they're married and all. Rachel and I do like a laugh, and the comedian Ellen DeGeneres does make us laugh. Besides, have one look at her wife Portia De Rossi.

Rachel: Straight women would go for her! A much better pick then Ellen's previous relationship. Let's face it, Anne Heche was a little bit unhinged.

Olivia: Just a little?

Rachel: Okay, a lot.

Olivia: We'd have to include Miranda Otto on this list.

Rachel: But of course. I don't know about you, but I kind of fell head over heels when I first saw her as Eowyn in The Two Towers.

Olivia: Strong, opinionated, stubborn, smart, and utterly courageous.

Rachel: Come on, Eowyn, who needs to go chasing after Aragorn when you can come play with our team?

Olivia: Sweetie, you're giving me all sorts of naughty ideas for later on.

Rachel: Two more names finish off our list. The first is the lovely Thandie Newton.

Olivia: She kind of reminds me of you, darling.

Rachel: Sultry, sexy, and seductive?

Olivia: And really exotic. We've seen her in a number of films, though she's probably best known for starring opposite that unpleasant Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 2. I wonder if he was wearing lifts in his shoes when they had scenes together.

Rachel: He really is a short man, isn't he? Last of our list, and speaking of exotic... we'd have to go with an actress from India named Aishwarya Rai. The media often cites her as the most beautiful woman in the world. It's really not all that hard to see why.

Olivia: Most of her work of course is in the Bollywood side of things. I never could get into all of those strange dance number films that seem to be released all the time out of those studios, but I'd love to see her in something else. Suppose she could be convinced to star in a film with Thandie, Portia, Maria, Miranda, and Jodie?

Rachel: Honey, I think that would have you and I permanently overheated.